A Very Jamy Christmas
by feedthecat
Summary: Jake gets himself in a bit of a situation when he tells his mum he's bringing home a girlfriend for Christmas. After hours of announcing, inviting, and pleading, only one person in the Precinct agrees to pretend to be his girlfriend: Amy Santiago. They pair up for a weekend and get into all kinds of shenanigans together. Out of surprise, it turns out to be the best Christmas yet.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Decided to give Jamy fanfiction a try! This is (probably) just going to be a really short and fluffy one. I've made up several things though, like giving Jake's mum a name, deciding where his family home is, and the entire existence of his elder sister. Other than that, pretty much everything's the same. Enjoy and please leave reviews!**

* * *

><p><strong>24 December, 5:00PM<strong>

"Mum, this is Amy, my girlfriend."

"Oh Amy! That's a lovely name. I'm so glad that rowdy man child Jake has finally settled down. You look very pretty."

"Thanks, Mrs. Peralta," Amy smiled awkwardly, not really knowing what else to say. Jake had his arm around her shoulder and she could smell his washing powder. She squirmed uncomfortably, but kept a smile on her face.

"You can just call me Julie," she laughed warmly, and the sound of her bangles made a clinking sound as she held out her arm and squeezed Amy's forearm. "Everyone calls me Julie."

"Okay... Julie," Amy stammered, feeling overwhelmed and underprepared.

"Amy's really looked forward to this weekend," Jake added to fill the silence and to make up for Amy's awkward behaviour. "Am I right, darling?"

They exchanged a look, and Amy smiled as wide as she could.

"Yeah. I can't wait to get started."

* * *

><p><strong>Flashback to the day before:<strong>

**23 December, 9:05AM**

"Detective Peralta, it's 9:05." Captain Holt tapped his watch and bellowed without flinching as Jake tried to sneak past the landing and to his seat. He looked up to see Holt standing across him, arms folded. Jake smiled sheepishly.

"Oh hi, Captain. Didn't see you there," he belted out, extending an arm to shake the Captain's hand, but Holt remained unimpressed.

"Maybe I should remind you that this is the third time you've been late this week."

"And it's only Wednesday," a voice from behind the silhouette of Holt contributed gleefully. Jake looked over his shoulder and discovered a grinning Amy, holding a mug of coffee in one hand with a stack of reports tucked under her arm. "What's your excuse this time? That you woke up late because your alarm didn't go off, just like it didn't yesterday and the day before that?"

"Actually, that is the _truth_, and I stand by that statement firmly," Jake said, raising a finger to silence her, but she only raised an eyebrow.

"Then maybe it's time for you to get a new alarm clock-" Amy started, and paused in mid-sentence. "Except you can't, because you are in debt right now, aren't you, Jake?"

Jake was flustered for once, but he nodded and kept his cool.

"I'll have you know that I am in debt only because I have an impeccable taste in massage chairs," Jake retorted. "Not that you'd know what they are, because your house looks like you are perpetually stuck in the mid 40s."

Amy frowned.

"My house does _not _lo-"

"That's enough, Santiago," Holt commanded, cutting Amy off, and she had a look of shock on her face as Jake pulled a face at her defeat. She tried to defend herself but he would hear none of it, so she ended up settling at her desk like a child being punished. "And you too, Peralta. Go get your reports typed up immediately. I want your paperwork completed and I want them on my desk in an hour."

"But Captain, it's the holidays," Jake whined loudly, slumping down into his chair as Holt walked back into his office. He turned around at the doorframe and looked at Jake.

"It's December 23rd, and today is not a holiday," he announced solemnly without an emotion, before slamming his door shut and getting back to his desk.

Jake raised his arms in the air, defeated, and across him, Amy smirked as she sipped her coffee.

"Good going, Jake."

He rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, butt face Amy."

* * *

><p><strong>10:00AM<strong>

"Listen up, everyone!" Jake stood on top of his desk and called out as he smoothed his tie with one hand. "I have something to ask."

Everyone but Gina looked up from their desks and stared at Jake in anticipation. He looked at her and cleared his throat loudly, and there was a lingering silence in the air before Gina, too, looked up to investigate what was happening.

"Thanks, Gina," Jake said, and returned his gaze to the crowd. "So it's the holidays, and you know how my mum-"

"She's hot," Charles interrupted, and Jake paused. He let out a breath, mildly irritated.

"Please do not call my mother hot, or any variation of that," he said solemnly, clasping his hands together for a split second. "Anyway. Guys? She was telling me all about how my _sister_ recently got married, and then because I am a quick-witted gentleman, I told my mum, in a spur of the moment, that I, too, have a partner to bring home during Christmas. But as you all know, I-"

"-don't have a girlfriend," Charles interrupted again, this time finishing Jake's sentence excitedly, and Jake nodded, sighing.

"That's right, everybody. Charles is right. I do not have a girlfriend. So long story short, because I'm not trying to waste anyone's time-"

"-just get to the point," Gina whined, spinning her phone in her hand impatiently.

"Gina-" Jake began, and noticed her phone had lit up suddenly. She did, too, and looked at the screen for a second before unlocking it excitedly.

"Sorry, Jake, can't talk, can't help, can't anything." She looked down without a second's hesitation, her fingers tapping at her screen frantically. "Drake just tweeted. I need to be the first one to tweet him back so my name will be under his tweet every time someone else opens it... done." She looked up, eyeing the bored crowd. "And _that's_ how you gain followers, you bunch of innocent, social media trainwrecks."

Jake shook his head, but couldn't say he was surprised. He carried on.

"If anyone would like to volunteer as my pretend girlfriend, I've put up a sign-up sheet outside the Captain's office, and the details are as follows - starting tomorrow evening, we're going to be spending four days at my mum's place in Omaha," he spotted the confused look on Gina's face and added, "which is in Nebraska."

She nodded, and Jake continued. "We'll be back by Sunday afternoon, and there is no cost to any of this. It's free. And if you have any questions, you may now shoot."

Charles raised his hand, and Jake nodded, taking his question.

"Can I be your girlfriend?"

Jake pulled a face.

"No, Charles. I would prefer if my girlfriend were a woman, but thank you for your suggestion."

Charles looked deflated for a moment before raising his hand again.

"Yes, Charles. Again."

"Can I dress up to be a woman to be your girlfriend?"

"No, that's... that's not- that's not happening."

"But what if I wear my wig?"

"_No_," Jake dismissed him. "And why do you have a wig? Wait. I don't want to know. Next question please."

Rosa raised her hand impatiently, a scowl on her face, and Jake called on her.

"Do I get paid?"

"Good question." Jake paused. "No, you do not get paid. But you get to spend time with my mum and I, which is priceless and is worth more than being paid."

Rosa rolled her eyes.

"Pass."

"That's fine," Jake shrugged, "I know it was hard for you to pass up this opportunity, but I'm glad you're being honest about it."

She looked at him in disdain, and he looked away, searching for more questions. His eyes landed on Amy, and he looked at her expectantly.

"Don't look at me," Amy said, raising both hands in the air as if to defend a blow. "I'm spending my Christmas holidays with one of my seven brothers and his very pregnant wife; I'm not available."

Scully raised his hand, and Jake dismissed him before he could even get his question across. Gina cleared her throat.

"Jake, I feel really sorry for you right now, but don't worry. I can be your pretend girlfriend. I'm good at this stuff. I've been hired for acting gigs to play as emergency girlfriends before so many times."

Jake's eyes lit up with gratitude. "Really? That's awesome. I mean, I've grown up with you and we go way back, and you're practically my _sister, _but I think my mum has always wanted us to get it on... you know, she had this passive, secretive way-"

Gina scrunched up her nose in disgust, and Jake shrugged.

"It'll be fine. It's just a few days. Come on, Gina. Do this for me."

She paused, and then made a face. "Yeah, sure. Whatever. I was going to spend my weekend in the dance studio on my own anyway. And now you're offering a free trip to California..." she eyed the office. "I swear, you guys are all idiots for not taking up this offer."

Jake hesitated. "Gina, Nebraska is not in California."

"Oh," Gina's eyes widened. "Pass."

Jake rolled his eyes. "_Gina_."

"I'm not spending my Christmas in the middle of nowhere, Jake. I can't."

"It's not in the middle of nowhere."

"Well, it's not in California."

"Lots of places are not in California but they are still pretty dope."

Gina frowned, unconvinced.

"Is there even, like, proper Internet there?"

"Not at my mum's place because it's kind of backwards, but you can always treasure the true meaning of Christmas by spending time interacting with other human beings, like, face to face. Like how normal people communicate."

"Jakey... I love your mum, but I love the Internet more," Gina whined. "Sorry, girl. Four days is a lot to ask. If I don't tweet for this length of time, my followers are going to think I got murdered. Or worse, they're going to start unfollowing me... and it's going to break my heart. And I've just passed three thousand followers... a queen cannot desert an entire empire like that."

Jake was about to complain when Holt opened the door to his office. Everyone was silent, and he looked at Jake, demanding an explanation.

"What's the commotion here? Why are you standing on your desk, Peralta?"

"Jake needs a girlfriend to bring home to for Christmas, Sir." Amy replied, looking alert as ever.

"I offered, but he turned me down," Charles added in a helpful tone.

For a small moment, there was nearly a smirk on Holt's face, but he pulled himself together quick enough.

"Have you finished the rest of the work you're supposed to do?"

"No, but-"

"Then get down and stop wasting your time," Holt commanded and closed the door to his office.

Jake looked at his team. "You bunch of traitors." Slowly, he slid off his desk and back into his seat.

* * *

><p><strong>1:15PM<strong>

"You know what would be funny? If you went ahead to your mum's and had to admit that you don't actually have a girlfriend because nobody here at the Precinct is willing to help," Amy said as she looked over to Jake.

"I do vividly recall Charles volunteering," Jake snapped back, feeling disgusted at himself for being the vulnerable target of Amy Santiago's verbal harassment.

"Oh yeah? So take him, if you so 'vividly recall'," she snickered, taunting him.

"I'm not even going to _start _this conversation with you right now, because you are a toxic example of human waste, and I'll never stoop to your level." Jake brushed off her comments as he gathered his long overdue paperwork. He got up, bringing the pile of files with him, making his way to Holt's office.

"Very mature," Amy commented, trying to keep her cool, but clearly disappointed that he had chosen to go down this lane and not fight back.

"As always," he replied loudly as he stepped into Holt's office and slammed the heavy stacks of paper onto his desk. "Done and done and done. I am two hours late, but... all in a day's work, Sir. Whatever that means."

* * *

><p><strong>3:30PM<strong>

"Seriously, guys? Zero names on my sign-up sheet? Is this what friends are for?" Jake yelled as he went to check on the sign-up sheet later on in the day. He couldn't believe it. He had to get packing tomorrow to spend Christmas Eve at his mother's, and he knew he was about to be teased again for not having a girlfriend. Actually, he wasn't, originally - but now he had taken the extra step to cook up a lie, the only possible thing for him to do was to follow through.

"Rosa?" Jake tried once more as he went over to where she sat. She looked up at him and scowled, and he turned away, taking the hint. "Okay, that's a nope from you."

"Gina!" He tried once more, making his way to her desk. She was scrolling through Buzzfeed quizzes, one hand on the mouse and the other propping her head up.

"What is it, Jake?" she drawled unenthusiastically.

"Do you want to reconsider... becoming my pretend girlfriend?" he asked, and Amy turned around from her seat, raising an eyebrow. "Don't worry, I wasn't asking you, Santiago," he added, and she frowned.

"I didn't think... I wasn't thinking you were asking me," she said in a neutral tone, and whizzed back around to face her computer. Jake peeped at her screen and found that she was typing up reports, as usual. An IM notification popped up in the corner of her screen and she opened it, her eyes scanning the words frantically and typing a short reply before closing the tab as discreetly as she could.

"No, for the last time... I'm not going to be your girlfriend," Gina said. "There's too much sexual tension between us already... you're going to end up falling in love with me, like all those who have come before you, and I can't quit another job to avoid male attention again."

Jake rolled his eyes and moved on, standing behind Amy silently as her fingers flew frantically over her keyboard. He coughed, and she jumped.

"What do _you_ want, Peralta? Don't you have paperwork to do?" she asked in the same old annoyed tone that she always used with him - half disgusted, half intrigued. Jake had always appreciated that tone. It let him know that while she was obviously trying hard to have the upperhand, she wasn't intentionally malicious with her words. She just happened to be super Type A and dominating.

"I can't believe you use instant message at work," he said, his smile turning into a full-blown grin. "I'm so going to tell Holt about this. Best day of my life!"

Amy's eyes widened with fear and clung to his wrist with both hands with such force that it jerked his shoulder.

"_Ow_," Jake whined, but she didn't let go. She seemed genuinely concerned.

"Please don't tell the Captain about this. It was nothing- it's not a big deal. I'm not talking to anybody-"

"_Liar!_" Jake exclaimed dramatically, retracting his arm and rubbing his wrist softly like he had just been bruised by a ten pound hammer. She looked helpless. He pulled a face of disbelief and continued. "How dare you not abide by the office's handbook of... whatever the heck... _rules? _And this is Amy Santiago, of all people. I must say I am very disappointed in your behaviour."

She frowned, and then argued.

"In my defense, it doesn't actually _say _you can't use instant message at work. It just says on Page 5, under Section 2 Part C, that no Skyping or Facebook is allowed. And I'm doing neither of those things," she spoke quickly, her tongue nearly tripping over her words.

"Okay," he responded awkwardly. _Typical Amy,_ he thought,_ to have known and practically memorised all the rules. _To be frank, he didn't even _know_ there was a guidebook for the precinct. He had just made it up on the spot. But he wasn't going to tell her that.

"Who were you messaging anyway?" he enquired.

"That's none of your business," she snapped, tightening her lip, and he pretended to stroll off in the direction of the Captain's office.

"Okay, I'm telling Holt that you're having a secret love affair-"

"No!" she exclaimed, before realising she had forgotten to use her indoor voice. "I mean, _no_!" She whispered forcefully. "I'm messaging my brother, you bastard."

He walked back to where she stood, his arms crossed.

"Put a quarter in the swear jar."

Amy obeyed, fishing her pocket for a coin before she stopped in her tracks and looked up at him.

"No, _what am I doing_? I'm an adult. I can say whatever I want. You don't own me." She retracted her hand from her pocket. Jake snickered. "Stop snickering at me."

"Why were you messaging your brother? He can't make it? Does that mean you're free?"

"No," Amy blurted. "All is fine. All is going _fine_. It's going to be fine. Everything is... fine."

"Can you say 'fine' again? I don't think I quite heard you say that the last four times you said it."

Amy punched Jake in the rib and he doubled back.

"Damn it! That actually hurt, Santiago."

"Good," she said, smiling in smug satisfaction as a little message popped up in the bottom right corner of her screen for the second time.

Jake grabbed her mouse without a second's hesitation - faster than Amy could react - and clicked on the little box. It enlarged to a chat box and he scanned his eyes along the words, mumbling to himself as he fended off a protesting Amy who was simultaneously trying to cover up her computer screen and navigate the mouse.

"Sorry Ames... late notice... Samantha had her baby last night... can't make it... needs to reschedule..." he read out loud, and then he looked at Amy, who paused in her tracks. They exchanged a long glance and he let out a whooping laugh.

"Amy Santiago, you... you lying little minx! Everything is not 'fine', everything's over for you because your brother has ditched you-"

"He has not _ditched _me! His wife had a baby!"

"Whatever," Jake shook off her comment and she frowned. "You're free. Which means... you are in for a treat."

"I'm not going to be your stupid pretend girlfriend," she spat out the words in disdain.

"Are you sure? Because I heard the Peralta family is pretty dope, and everyone should meet my mum at least once in their lives-"

"I'm sure. I'm very sure," Amy said, ending the conversation.

"...about agreeing to pretend to my girlfriend," Jake said. "I finished your sentence for you. 'I am very sure about agreeing to pretend to be your girlfriend. It's my one true passion in life.' You said it, Amy. Be a real man. No take-backs!" he yelled in glee as he went back to his seat opposite her, propping his chin up with his hands, his elbow on the table.

Amy raised her arms in mid-air. "What...? What is this logic of yours? I didn't-"

"You _said_ it, you can't back out of it now." Jake said, picking up his phone. "I'm going to text my mum now and tell her you're coming."

"I didn't-"

"Text sent." He looked at her square in the eye, a satisfied smile playing on his lips. Amy tried to argue, but she was out of words. His phone beeped, and he checked it. "Oh, a text from my mum. She's already super excited. You just can't let her down like this."

Amy hesitated, and then slumped her shoulders. She looked at him dejectedly.

"Fine," she concluded. "I guess I can do four days."

"Yes!" Jake yelled from his seat, startling her.

"Only four days."

"Whatever," he brushed her off. He raised his voice so the entire office could overhear him: "I've always said, Amy Santiago, you are the second best person slash detective in this precinct. And I'm right. You have proved me _right_ today."

"Yeah, the best being you, right?" she responded, rolling her eyes. "I'm doing this for your mum, not you, so you can stop being so excited about it now."

"Seriously. Thank you," he looked at her solemnly, gratitude in his eyes, and she shrugged it off like it never mattered to her anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Yay! People are actually reading this. :-)**

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><p><strong>24 December, 8:58AM<strong>

"You're on time today," Holt bellowed as he stood up straight. He had been leaning against Jake's desk with a watch on his wrist, ready to call him out for being late again. To everyone's surprise, he made it on time, though he was covered in sweat from head to toe and panting like a dog after it had been set loose on a field.

"Thanks," Jake coughed, doubling over to recover his breath.

"I didn't compliment you," the Captain said as a matter-of-factly before he got up and strolled back into his office without another word.

"Typical Holt, am I right?" Jake panted, walking back to his seat. He pulled his chair out and collapsed on it, and Amy looked at him in disgust, crinkling her nose.

"You smell disgusting," she commented. "What the hell have you been doing this morning?"

"Just went to the gym and did one full Terry work-out, no big deal," he lied, shrugging.

"No, you didn't. I was at the gym today and I didn't see you there," Terry called out from where he was sitting, shuffling his paperwork.

Amy looked at Terry, and then back at Jake, twirling a pen between her fingers.

"So?"

"Why do you need to know?" Jake asked, feeling defensive.

"You're right. I don't. And I don't want to know," Amy said, getting up to make herself a coffee. She put down her pen and picked up her mug. Before walking away, she added, "I just wanted you to know that you smell disgusting."

"Message received," Jake said whilst turning on his computer. "And I just want you to know that I still smell better than you do, and I smell better than you ever will, _and I-_" he stopped talking when he realised Amy wasn't listening, and let out a huge breath. He raised one arm in the air and ever so discreetly, tried to smell his own underarm to see if he really _did_ smell that bad. He was pretty sure he didn't, but he was just checking. To make sure.

"Ew, Jake." Gina called out as she watched him. "Don't smell your armpit. That's disgusting."

"I wasn't smelling my armpit, Gina. Stop stalking me," Jake said.

"I literally sit right in front of you. I don't have a choice," she whined. "I have to see your face full-frontal every time Amy walks off."

"That's a gift," he said. "And let's just say that even if I were smelling my own armpit - which I am not, because that's a hypothetical situation - _even if I were smelling my own armpit,_ I declare that it doesn't smell bad. I smell alright, okay? Maybe not good, but I won't go as far to say I smell _bad_."

"No, you absolutely do. I can smell you from where I'm sitting and I'm telling you, you need to take a shower before you kill all of us at the precinct with your toxins," she responded. "I can't die, not before I watch tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Hashtag, TGIT. Hashtag, Meredith is my homegirl."

"Okay... I totally know what you're talking about," he murmured, and Gina gave him a weak smile.

"You will never understand me, Jake. I am a majestic creature," she purred. "I was not made to be understood. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to bounce." She got up and walked down the hallway, texting along the way and ignoring Scully when he tried to talk to her. Jake watched until her silhouette has disappeared, and when no one was looking, he tucked his chin into his neck discreetly to check one more time if he really did smell that bad. His head shot up when the scent of his own sweat overpowered him.

_Okay, they're right. I do smell disgusting, _he thought, furrowing his brows. He could get up and take a shower, and he had an urge to, after receiving comments like Amy and Gina's. But he stood by his decision to just sit around and let the urge pass. To get up and do stuff or to not get up and do stuff? There was no debate. He decided that the latter was obviously the better option of the two. Maybe he would end up killing the whole precinct with his underarm smell, but it's not exactly murder if his colleagues _just happened_ to have sensitive noses, while he _just happened_ to be smelling like a dead animal. Coincidences. They were everywhere.

* * *

><p><strong>10:30AM<strong>

"Okay," Jake sat Amy down in the break room. He unwrapped the tin foil and the smell of grilled chicken filled the air, causing Amy to recoil. "I'm going to brief you on what you have to bring, and what we'll be doing, and most importantly, my mum."

"Do we really have to do this?" Amy whined, gripping the handle of her mug tightly, her other hand cupping the curved surface.

"Lighten up. It's Christmas Eve. And this is a briefing. You love this kind of stuff. Go get your notebook and a pen," Jake ordered, and Amy went to fetch what he had asked for. She came back with a leather bound notebook and a pen, and Jake raised an eyebrow, impressed. She was taking this seriously.

"So what do I have to bring this weekend?" she asked as she sat down again.

"Okay, first of all, in terms of what you'll be wearing... dresses. My mum loves it when my girlfriends wear dresses," he started, and she stared at him.

"Jake, you do know that you end up dating someone because you happen to love them, right? Not because of what your mum prefers."

"False. I end up dating someone as a result of what my mum thinks. Always. And I don't have a girlfriend anyway. I mean, we're just trying to do a good show here. Put 'dresses' down," he said, and when she didn't budge, he lightened his tone. "Sorry... I kind of get your point, but please put 'dresses' down."

She jotted it down quickly. He leaned over to check that she had written what he had asked her to, and he nodded.

"Good. And... heels. Not higher than four inches but not lower than two inches."

"So three," Amy said, writing down more notes, making scratchy sounds of her pen being dragged across the paper.

"Yeah," he responded. "But only wear them during the actual Christmas dinner. Any other time, you can wear whatever you want... except sandals. My mum hates exposed toes."

She was slightly confused, but she noted it down obediently.

_No sandals. Jake's mum hates exposed toes._

"Guess you really want to impress your mum, huh?" Amy asked, chewing the back of her pen as she looked up at him as soon as she was done.

"Obviously."

"You know, you don't have to construct a perfect girlfriend like this. Cheesy as it sounds, she's going to be proud of you no matter what." She said, and shrugged. "Even if you don't turn up with a girlfriend."

Jake gave a non-committal response and continued.

"My mum likes peppermint tea, and she'll expect you to get her a gift the first time you meet her, but don't worry, I won't make you pay for-"

"No, it's fine. It's just tea. I can get it."

"You don't _have_ to-"

"It's just tea, Jake," Amy repeated herself. "Seriously."

"Okay... thanks. That's nice of you."

_Peppermint tea. Gift._

"I know."

"Uh, you're not supposed to say 'I know' when someone compliments you."

"So what else?" she asked, ignoring his comment.

"Definitely no suits like the ones you're wearing now... and she likes the outdoors. She has tons of bangles and bracelets - she's a bit of a hippie - and she thinks knitting is a waste of time. But she's also not that into the Internet. She thinks it's stealing our souls from the real world."

_No pant suits. Outdoors - love. Bangles and bracelets. Hippie. Hates knitting. Not into the Internet. Thinks it's stealing souls from real world._

"I can't believe she hates knitting," Amy commented, reading her list. "It's so therapeutic. How can anyone possibly hate knitting?"

"No idea," Jake shrugged. "Oh, and she has this theory that the perfect girlfriend for me would be a highly feminine woman who wears dresses all the time-"

"-yeah, you've mentioned that-"

"-and is gentle and knows ballet. She will have read some classics, and she's definitely not into magazines like _Guns and Ammo_."

Amy's eyes lit up.

"Classics! I've read _all_ of Jane Austen's work. And I've read 'Jane Eyre' thrice - in high school - because I loved it so much," she chirped. "It's on my Top 3. Charlotte Bronte has this way of making it so-"

"Where'd you get so much time? I didn't even have enough to finish my stupid History essays."

"Everyone was at parties and stuff, duh." Amy looked at him like he was stupid. "And... seriously? You were a History student? You don't look like you're very much into... _reading_. Or writing essays. Or doing anything, for the matter."

"I hated the essays. I used to just type the first paragraph and the last one, and then copy chunks of text off Wikipedia for all the stuff in the middle. Still managed to pull off a 60% at the end of the year."

Amy cringed internally at the thought of getting a 60% on a paper, and Jake snapped back to reality.

"Okay," he said. "No more talking of my stupid high school days. We've not bonded enough for you to know this much."

"Fine."

"My girlfriend is laid-back and likes to surf. It's mandatory that she knows how to follow recipes more complicated than the one about making pancakes."

"This is quite a backwards way of categorising women," she said, jotting down her fake persona. He nodded in agreement.

"Jake's girlfriend does not swear, and doesn't smoke."

"Okay."

_Is gentle. Does ballet. Read most of classics. Laid-back. Surfs. Cooks. No swearing, no smoking._

"You know, I'm kind of glad Rosa didn't volunteer to be my pretend girlfriend," Jake thought out loud.

"Your mum would have a heart attack," Amy agreed, laughing lightly. "Anyway, is there any sort of conversation topic I should avoid?"

"Good thinking," he pointed out. "Uh... my dad, obviously."

She wrote that down.

"And using plastic bags instead of bringing your own bag to the supermarket."

"What?"

"Using plastic bags in-"

"No, no. I heard you. My 'what?' was the response," she said, her hand now frantically writing in an unbelievably quick pace.

"I told you. She's a bit obsessed with the environment, so..." he trailed off.

"Anything else?"

"This fake girlfriend will know how to make small talk, and like I said, she is laid-back, so she isn't awkward. She _isn't_ a cop. She's more like a piano teacher, because she has a qualification for Grade 8 piano."

"I know how to play the piano," Amy said suddenly. "I'm not a quitter, but it actually made my mum so miserable that she made me quit after Grade 6."

"How on earth would playing the piano make your mum miserable?"

"I insisted on practising for two and a half hours every day until she couldn't take it anymore," she said bluntly.

Jake boggled. "_Two and a half hours?_ Again, how do you even have so much time on your hands?"

"Oh, no. That wasn't in high school. I was only in middle school then."

"And you were _already_ doing Grade 6 piano? Your parents must've been the kind to push you really hard."

"Again... _no_," she said, sounding almost sheepish. "I actually asked them for piano lessons. And I played it day and night until I got blisters on my fingers."

"_Played it day and night until I got blisters on my fingers_ - name of your sex tape," he said automatically. "Anyway, that's weird. Because you don't seem like a musical person to me."

"I'm not, and I wasn't then," she agreed honestly. "I just wanted the satisfaction of telling people I was good at playing the piano."

"That's _so_ Amy Santiago," he said, and they both chuckled softly.

"What else?" she asked.

"Huh?"

"About your mum."

"Oh," he blinked. "One more thing: I know you like to have your hair up at work, but try to keep your hair down this weekend. It's more graceful that way."

She jotted his words, scanned her list and let out a flustered sigh. "Wow. Looking at all these targets... I would say I have hit about half of them," she commented under her breath, mumbling to herself. "The other half? Never happening in a million years."

"Yeah, I know," Jake agreed. "That's why you're not my girlfriend. My mum might kill herself if she ever sees you romantically involved with me."

"Well, I _do_ have some of these good qualities."

"But you don't have all of them."

"That's a bit extreme."

"No, I'm being serious," he looked at her square in the eye, and she looked away. "Anyway, meeting adjourned. Holt said we could leave early today so I'm going to go now."

"What?" She looked startled. "What about all the paperwork th-"

"Everyone is leaving early, Ames. Don't worry about it."

She looked unconvinced, but she nodded, closing her notebook and getting up as he did.

"I'll pick you up at 12, and we'll go to the airport. Flight's at 1," Jake said, and Amy was surprised at how organised he seemed for the first time in his life.

Before she could utter an 'okay', he slipped out of the break room. From the open blinds on the window, she could see him throwing in his badge into his duffel bag while whistling, and she watched him leave until the elevator doors closed.

* * *

><p><strong>2:30PM<strong>

"Jake," Amy whispered, tapping him on the shoulder awkwardly. They were sitting in a cramped aircraft with minimal legroom, and she was squashed in a window seat, while he sat between her and another man, who was reading a book quietly. He was taking a nap and he had made no response, so she tapped him again, this time a little more urgently. "Jake. _Peralta_. Jake Peralta," she hissed, poking at him until he twitched and opened his eyes.

"Mm- what?" he murmured, still half asleep, groggy.

"I need to use the toilet," she whispered, gesturing for him to put his legs up so she could get out. "Scoot."

He tucked his knees into his arms and she slid out into the aisle with her cosmetic bag in one hand, heading to the toilet located at the end of the plane. She went into a cubicle, locked the door, and looked at her own reflection in the mirror. She felt funny, slightly disoriented, but mostly just nervous. She would be spending four days somewhere completely foreign - she had never been to Nebraska - and she would be doing that with people she barely knew. She wasn't sure she was ready for a challenge like that.

She washed her face and her make-up off gently, and looked at herself in the mirror again. Bare-faced Amy was tired and underprepared, reflecting how she felt on the inside. But she needed to put on a good show. She didn't want to let anyone down, and Jake was right - it was Christmas Eve after all. After moments of self-doubt, she redid her makeup quickly, drawing in her eyeliner and opting for a light pink lipstick. Taking out a comb, she sorted out any uneven tangles and tucked her hair behind her ears. When she was done, she looked at herself and took a deep breath, then grinned as wide as she could.

"Stop worrying, Amy Santiago. You're going to have fun. So much fun. And you're going to do a good job."

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><p><strong>4:45PM<strong>

"We're nearly there," Jake told Amy from the backseat of a cab. Her heart was beating so fast it felt like it could break out of her chest. Why was she so nervous? It wasn't like they were _really_ dating, and it wasn't like she was ever going to see Jake's mum again after these four days. It shouldn't matter, but somehow, it mattered a lot. She needed to put on a convincing show because she needed to be capable. She needed to be in control of herself.

"Can we have one more quick run-through?" she squeaked, feeling worried. Her voice was coming out funny.

"We've had like five run-throughs on the plane," he said, looking at her.

"But maybe we didn't cover _all_ the situations... like, what if your mum suddenly decides that she doesn't like peppermint tea anymore and she yells at me? Quick, throw me a scenario."

"No, Amy. She's never going to stop loving peppermint tea. Relax! It's just the few of us there. We're super chill. You're getting so worked up over nothing," he said, but she looked frightened still. "Seriously. You're going to be okay," he reassured her once more. He put his hand on hers and squeezed, and for the first time, she let him, not flicking it away or looking at him in disgust.

"Okay," she said. She wasn't sold on the whole idea, still, but she did feel slightly better. She looked at him suspiciously. "Why are you being so nice to me, Peralta?"

"Because you're helping me out _big time_ by lying to my mum about me being romantically successful," he said.

* * *

><p><strong>5:15PM<strong>

"Jake, you stay in your room, and Amy... I'm sorry, I didn't know he was going to be bringing a girlfriend this year - he never does," Julie chuckled warmly. "You don't mind staying in Jake's room, do you?" she looked at Amy cheekily, and she smiled back awkwardly.

After a warm round of introductions, they were carrying their bags upstairs, and to Amy's surprise, there were only three rooms, and no guest bedroom. There wasn't an attic either, and according to Jake, the basement was filled with spiders and 'creepy things'.

"I uh-"

"The walls are thick, so you kids can do whatever you want," she laughed, and Jake felt like he had just been punched in the throat.

"_Mum!_"

"Oh Jake, we're all grown-ups here. I'm pretty sure you guys do sleep together. And Amy is so gorgeous! I don't think there's any reason for you not to tap that. _I'd_ tap that if I were you."

"Mum, this is totally inappropriate, and I kind of need you to stop talking and leave now," Jake said, and Amy slid him a glance, to which he responded with an eye-roll.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm going to go back downstairs. Your sister called earlier on. She's going to arrive in an hour." Julie said, dropping their bags and waving a hand dismissively. "You kids figure this out, okay? And maybe unpack a bit of whatever you've brought. Supper is at 7 so you've got some time. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay, mum."

"It was a pleasure to meet you, by the way," Julie said to Amy, and Amy smiled.

"Pleasure's all mine."

Julie nodded, and they watched as she disappeared down the stairs. They exchanged a look. He held his breath, and she burst out laughing after a moment of lingering silence.

"_Wow_," Amy said, raising an eyebrow, and he nodded, as if to say '_I know_'. "Your mum's... she's really something."

"Tell me about it. And... I'm sorry. It's just always so awkward when she's around because she's mentally stuck in high school, and she makes all these inappropriate jokes," Jake said apologetically, and she looked at him.

"She's fun. I can see where you got your personality from," she commented, and he huffed.

"Yeah... _right_. Fun, okay. I can live with that." Jake said. "It's just... honestly, if she makes you uncomfortable or anything, you should tell me because I _swear_, this you see?" he gestured at himself. "The inappropriateness of _this_ is only a fraction of the inappropriateness of _that_. She has a lot of fuel in her. Seriously. I love her, but the woman just never stops. And sometimes she crosses lines. She nearly scared my sister's boyfriend away the first time they met."

"What happened?"

"She basically told him all about how she wants five grandkids in seven years, and how she wants them to live next to her. She was completely joking, but he was already so nervous because he was meeting her for the first time, he just freaked out."

"Oh, wow."

"Yeah. He found out about it later on but we still laugh about it. So if my mum ever tells you she wants five grandkids in seven years and all of that, just know that she's joking. She did it to my sister's first boyfriend, my high school girlfriend, and she basically will do it to anyone she meets. Don't let that freak you out."

"To be entirely truthful... I don't think any of this will be a problem," Amy said, and he cocked his head sideways, wondering what she meant by that. She looked up to meet his eyes, and grinning, she picked up her small suitcase. "I think she's _awesome_."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Wrote and uploaded this at 4AM last night. Woke up and realised it's laced with typos. Fixed them real quick! Sorry you had to subject your eyes to that mess. xo**

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><p><strong>24 December, 6:35PM<strong>

Amy smoothed her dress one more time and looked at herself in the mirror, then at her watch. It was exactly 6:35, and she was all ready to go downstairs, with a whooping twenty-five minutes to spare. She decided she was going for the simple yet classy look. She was wearing a simple sheath dress in a bright emerald colour, her hair down and combed, tucked behind her ears to look neat. She kept her makeup to a minimum, just a dabble of perfume, and jumped when she noticed Jake pop his head around the corner of the bathroom from the reflection on the mirror.

"Hey, my sister arrived five minutes ago, do you want to go downstairs and say hi?" he asked, walking in. "Just kidding. Not a question. Let's go." He went to grab her by the wrist, but stopped when he noticed her watch. "Don't wear that."

"Why not?" she argued, frowning. "I always wear my watch. How are you supposed to know what time it is-"

He looked at her impatiently and she shrugged, slipping it off her wrist.

"Fine."

"Thanks," he said. "If it makes you feel better, like you have the upperhand, we can peek at them from upstairs first."

She nodded, grateful and relieved that he had considered this option, and they leaned out from against the railing, peering down onto the landing of the first floor discreetly. She could see Julie fussing over what must be Jake's sister, and a man standing next to the both of them, a hand on a suitcase. Amy identified him as her husband.

While she was looking down, in deep thought, trying to figure them out from far away, Jake was looking at her closely, almost as if he was observing her.

"You look pretty," he said nonchalantly, and cleared his throat. She could tell from his tone that he was genuinely trying to be nice, and she tried to hide her smile, mumbling a quick 'thanks' before he suggested they went downstairs. She nodded, and as they were making their way down the flight of stairs that seemed to stretch on for quite a bit, she clung to his forearm awkwardly, feeling insecure and nervous. She did it as a sort of reflex, and even though she knew that, she was glad she did. She felt better when she was holding onto something.

"You're wearing shoes," he stated the obvious in a whisper as they walked into the living room, where his mum was still fussing over his sister as though she were a child. She was commenting on her wedding ring and how great it looked. Jake looked at Amy's black patent flats, then at her face. They stood in the doorway quietly, waiting to be noticed.

"Well, I can't walk around bare feet. That's rude," she whispered back.

"That's not true, you're wearing tights," he said, keeping his voice down. "And people are _supposed_ to walk around bare feet inside a house. That's the whole point of living in a house."

"Inside _their_ houses, that they _live in_," she corrected him quietly. "This isn't my house, and I don't live here. I'm a guest."

"Fine," he said. "But-"

"Jake!" A tender voice yelled out, which stopped the hushed squabbling between the two of them. He looked up, and beamed at his sister.

"Allie!"

Amy dropped her arm and let go of him when he leaned in for a hug with Allie, high-fiving his brother-in-law mid-hug. He let go, and he was beaming so hard that it nearly broke his jaw. Julie smiled at the sight of her children reuniting and vanished in the background to the kitchen, where a strong smell of baked ham and thick pasta drifted around.

"Yo, Jake! Hope everything's been kosher," Allie's husband grinned, and Jake nodded.

"Everything's been awesome. You?"

"Never been better."

"Would've guessed. You look real happy," Jake said to him, and Allie raised an eyebrow, gesturing at Amy.

"Who's that pretty girl standing there behind you? Come on, Jake. Introduce us. She's too pretty to be on her own, being ignored."

"Oh, yeah. Of course," Jake said, stepping back. Amy gulped, raising a hand to say hello, smiling in a way that even she knew was painfully awkward.

"Hey! Sorry for that," Allie laughed, coming in strong with a hug, squeezing Amy a little tighter than she had anticipated. But it was a nice, warm hug, not suffocating like she thought it would've been when she watched her hug Jake earlier on. "I'm Alison, but as you would've figured out, nobody calls me that. I'm just Allie around family and friends. By the way, your dress looks _amazing_."

Overwhelmed, Amy blinked. "Oh! Thanks. Um, I fluctuate between a size 4 and 6, so..." she paused, the vowel dangling in the air. "Sorry - no. Why did I say that?"

Allie laughed. "Don't be nervous..." she paused, not having gotten her name.

"Amy," Amy managed, giving Allie a smile.

"Amy," Allie repeated. "That's a similar name to Allie, which, we've discussed the first time Josh came over six years ago, how similar his name was to Jake's. I mean, sort of. I guess at the end of the day, we all pick people with names similar to our siblings' because we feel more secure with them." Amy looked confused and a little frightened, and Allie quickly filled in. "Though Mum's probably been torturing you all afternoon, so I understand why you'd be on full freak-out mode. Josh was like that the first time he was here. It's been so long, and we're married now, so he's completely fine. Sometimes I think he's closer to Mum than I am. Ridiculous, right?"

Amy nodded stiffly. She wasn't trying to be rude. She was still just reeling in from her anxiousness.

Josh, a tall man who looked like he was at least six foot one, handsome, with blond hair and fair skin, extended a hand to shake Amy's, and she took it.

"Joshua, but please, call me Josh," he said, and she smiled at him. "Not to be antisocial, but I think dinner's nearly ready, so I'm going to run upstairs real quick to put this down." He gestured at their suitcase, and Allie nodded. He gave her a quick peck on the cheek and went upstairs.

"So, how come you've never talked to me about Amy before?" Curious, Allie asked Jake, nudging him on the shoulder.

"It's complicated," Jake said, sounding slightly sheepish.

Allie's eyes widened, and a playful grin appeared on her face. "Oh, but isn't that what they all say when it comes to love? I never believed that anyway."

"Well, it _is_," he replied bluntly.

"How did you guys meet?" Allie ignored him and turned to Amy, who was caught off-guard with a question like that. She froze, not knowing how to answer. She liked Allie, and she wanted to kick Jake in the shin for not running over _all_ the possible scenarios that could come up. Like this one, for instance.

Meanwhile, Josh had scooted back downstairs.

She looked at him, and took a deep breath. It was only his sister and his brother-in-law. Maybe she should come clean. That would be two less people to put an act in front of.

"Well, to tell you the truth, Jake and I aren't really-" Amy began, but he cut her off promptly. She thought she had said something wrong, but he had done so only to reaffirm her statement. He was agreeing with her.

"Allie, the truth is that Amy isn't my girlfriend. That's why it's complicated," Jake said quietly, careful not to let his mother overhear him. She was in the kitchen, but still.

Allie frowned and slid her arm around Josh's waist. "What do you mean?"

"Jake asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend because he told Julie that he was bringing somebody in a spur of the moment," Amy explained, and Allie nodded. "And I work at the precinct with him-"

"You're a cop too?" Josh asked casually, and Allie shushed him.

"Well, a detective, to be precise," Amy corrected him softly, and it was then that Julie stuck her head around the kitchen door. The four of them froze, thinking they had been busted already.

"Josh! Jake's not a cop, he's a detective," she said, shaking her head, feigning disappointment before she went back inside.

Allie gave Josh a look, and he looked embarrassed.

"Sorry."

"So that's the story," Jake said. "I just needed to let mum know that I'm romantically successful for once in my life. You know how much she wants to see... stuff like that. And I thought I could do it as a Christmas surprise, or whatever."

"Well, Amy can't play along forever," Allie said. She didn't sound angry, nor did she intend for her words to be laced with malice; she was just dishing it out like it was. And it was true. He could fake it this Christmas, and he could possibly fake it the next, but he couldn't do it forever.

"I just thought I would buy time, or at least to shake things up a bit this year."

"Fair enough," Josh said. "But sooner or later, you guys are going to fall in love and it'll be the real deal. Just like Allie and I - she brought me home for Christmas as a fake boyfriend-" he lifted his hand to show his wedding ring, "-and now we're married, for real."

Allie laughed and pinched him on the shoulder, and he shrugged away, grinning. "He's joking."

Amy smiled wistfully, looking at them, and turned to look at Jake, before looking away again before he could meet her eye.

"I just wanted you guys to know," Jake said.

"So we could lie to mum together?" Allie asked.

"It's not like that-"

"I know. I'm just joking. I got it. We'll play along. Do what you have to do," she said, giving him a wink. She turned to Amy. "If I'm being honest, you're too pretty to really be Jake's girlfriend anyway. You're way out of his league, and you should stay there, out of his reach. My baby brother may be clever, but he is mostly just immature and lazy; you don't want to get with the guy living under a bridge when you can land Brad Pitt."

Jake rolled his eyes. "I can hear you, Allie."

"Good."

* * *

><p><strong>8:40PM<strong>

The plates had been cleared away right after dinner - Amy had offered to help, but Allie had turned her down politely, telling her to sit on the couch and watch some TV instead while they waited for the pie to be ready. She obliged, though she didn't feel like watching any TV. She had her mind on a case that she was working on, and to distract herself, she flipped through an issue of some magazine on the environment that she found on the coffee table. She was reading an article on corn production when Julie sat down next to her. She put a hand on her wrist and her bangles made jingling sounds at her every move.

"So, Amy... this sounds crazy, but I was thinking: you and Jake really look like a great match. And-" she caught herself in her thoughts. "How long have you guys been dating?"

"5 months?" Amy thought out loud, her brain hyper alert at all the lies she was about to spew.

"5 months," Julie mumbled to herself. "Thinking of marriage?"

"Oh, I don't know," Amy squeaked, trying to keep things as vague as possible. Sitting on a beanbag nearby, Jake looked up. He made eye contact with her, and she tried her best to talk to him telepathically, mostly with her just trying to ask him to come over and help.

"Well, I've always dreamed of, you know, having five brand new grandchildren in seven years," Julie smiled, and Amy stared at her, her mind fuzzy, before remembering Jake's words from earlier on in the afternoon.

_'If my mum ever tells you she wants five grandkids in seven years and all of that, just know that she's joking.'_

She smiled at Julie, and even though she knew it was a joke, she didn't know how to respond. She was relieved when Jake got up and walked over, beaming. She didn't know why he was grinning, but she was glad he was here; it meant that she didn't need to speak anymore. He could always fill in the blanks for her.

"Well, mum, you're in luck!" Jake blurted. "Because Amy's pregnant."

Amy's eyes widened, and she looked at him, as if to say - _'what the hell?'_ He returned her gaze with a confused expression, shrugging just slightly for her to notice.

"_You're pregnant?_" Julie looked at her, wide-eyed, in complete disbelief. Amy nodded automatically, knowing she had no other option. She had decided that jumping up from the couch and yelling 'SIKE!' wouldn't be the best thing to do in this situation. Or in any situation at all.

"Oh! Oh my god. Wow. Congratulations... Amy. Why, I wasn't expecting that. How far along are you?" Julie was suddenly looking at Amy's stomach, which made her feel more self-conscious than ever. "Can I-" she extended a hand.

"Oh, um," Amy frowned, and realised that Julie had wanted to put a hand on her stomach. Which made sense. This non-existent embryo, was, in theory, her grandchild. "Yeah... sure."

Julie put a hand on Amy's stomach, and then kept quiet, waiting for some sort of movement.

"Mum you won't feel anything. It's only been a month and a half," Jake answered for her, and Amy pursed her lips, nodding along. "This thing is the size of a peanut right now." Julie nodded once, still completely astonished, and got up from the couch, saying, "I need to tell Allie about this, she could learn a thing or two from you guys!" She left the living room with a grin on her face, leaving Jake and Amy alone with each other.

Amy felt her cheeks heat up, and her hands felt clammy. She looked up at Jake, who wiped a sweat from his brow.

"We're safe," he said, and she kicked him in the shin, this time for real, and hard. "_Ow_! What'd you do that for?"

"You _know_ what I did that for! I can't _believe_ you said I was pregnant!"

"Well, my brain was confused! So I just blurted out something. I had to."

"This girlfriend's stuff is pretty mild and fine by me, but I have my limits, and you're taking this too far."

"No, I'm not," Jake argued, but he knew she was right.

"We're never going to pull this one off convincingly! Don't you know when to stop? Where is your self-control? Don't even get me started on how I can't even drink alcohol for the rest of the holiday now... _t__hanks a lot, Peralta_," she spat the words out through gritted teeth, before getting up from the couch, too. She was fuming, and she needed to get away.

"Where are you going?" he asked, grabbing her by the wrist gently, not wanting to hurt her in case she slid off balance. It was as if he had started believing she was pregnant too. He sounded worried, but she ignored his plea to stay, jerking her wrist away from him, breaking free.

"Upstairs. I'm going to bed," she snapped. "Don't follow me." She ordered, and hopped up the stairs without turning back.

Jake frowned, feeling a surge of annoyance in his chest. Not at her, but at himself. He knew he had taken it too far. But he had seen the look in his mother's eyes when he had declared that Amy was 'pregnant'. She had lit up, amidst her initial confusion, and any blind idiot could've recognised that as a sign of hope. His mother had never looked so happy, and he didn't want to take that from her by breaking it to her that he was only joking. But on the other hand, Amy...

Jake stared at the bottom of the stairs, where Amy had been just moments ago, before he heard a door slam shut upstairs. Julie stuck her head out of the kitchen, where there was loud festive music playing now - Allie's idea - and she looked at Jake.

"I just told your sister about it. She's elated, but she keeps saying kids aren't for her," Julie said. "Which doesn't matter. I mean, her body, her decision. She's too stubborn for me to do anything about it anyway. I'm just happy that-" she eyed the empty couch. "Where did Amy go?"

"Just... upstairs." Jake said, rubbing his hand on his eye. "She's a bit tired. She's, uh, she's sorry she can't try the pie."

"Oh, that's fine," Julie said. "Poor thing. Must be worn out from all the traveling. I remember how I felt when I was pregnant and going on trips. It's so tiring. Tell her good night when you go upstairs later, okay? And tell her not to worry about missing the pie," she said, before sticking her head back in.

"Yeah, I will," Jake nodded, mumbling to himself. He looked down at his bare feet. He heard the water running - he imagined that to be Amy washing her face. It stopped, and he craned his neck to hear a sound, but there was only a creak of the bed after a few minutes, and then there was silence. He sighed. He knew it was too late to apologise, and that apologising wouldn't get them out of this situation anyway, but he still needed to do it for being such an overall, inconsiderate jerk.

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><p><strong>25 December, 12:55AM<strong>

Jake stepped out of the bathroom quietly, rubbing a towel on his scalp to dry his hair. He scrunched the towel up in a ball and threw it in the laundry basket after he was done and closed the bathroom door, leaving the light on. He didn't like to turn off his bathroom light, and he had had that habit since childhood, because the little slit under the door allowed just enough light to seep into his room at night, and somehow, that gave him a sense of security. He was about to reach for a sheet to lay down on the floor, where he was going to spend the next few nights sleeping on, when he accidentally bumped into an old action figure. It toppled over and made a crashing noise.

Amy made a gentle purring sound in her half-asleep consciousness and she dragged the duvet up to her chin, curling into a ball as she repositioned herself. He watched her until she was still again, the soft sounds of breathing filling the room in steady rise and falls. He heard his heart beat loudly, and when he was sure she was asleep again, he grabbed a random sheet and a wool blanket.

He walked over to the side of his bed, where he set the sheet down and dropped the wool blanket. He leaned out to grab a cushion from the end of his bed to use as his pillow, and he dropped that on the floor, too. He went over to lock the door, should his mother barge in in the morning to wake them up and discover they had not been sleeping together. That would give everything away immediately. He knocked over another one of his action figures when he shuffled back to his makeshift bed, which made another loud noise as it toppled over, waking Amy up this time.

"_Shit,_" she heard him whisper, and she opened her eyes wide, careful not to move, not to make a sound. Suddenly, she didn't feel that sleepy anymore. It was just one of those moments when you woke up in the middle of the night and felt truly awake. He stared at the blurry outline of his fallen action figure and cursed Past Jake for leaving his stuff everywhere, before he slid under the wool blanket, deciding that it would keep him warm enough with the help of his radiator on maximum temperature. His bed was low, and as he turned sideways uncomfortably, lying on the hardwood floor, he caught himself staring at the back of her head.

He cleared his throat and scratched his chin, before switching positions to lie flat on his back, his hands resting on his stomach. She fidgeted, and he heard the rustles of the duvet.

"Amy?" he called out quietly, and she kept still, trying to keep her breathing steady.

Silence.

"Are you awake?"

Silence.

It made sense that she wasn't. It had been hours since she had gone to bed. She had to be deep asleep by now. Which spurred him to apologise to her now, when she couldn't hear him. Or so he thought, anyway.

"I'm sorry," he blurted, still keeping his voice low. "For... everything, I guess. For being a jerk and making you mad, for making up weird lies that are totally unnecessary, for... _stuff_." He paused. "And I was a jerk, which I've realised. And I know this sounds kind of stupid, but I thought you looked great tonight, and I didn't even get to say that to you properly. I mean, I know I said you were pretty, but I thought you were more than that... I thought you were..." he hesitated. "Never mind. This is embarrassing, even when you're asleep. Which is why I never compliment you, because I'd give off the wrong vibe, and you'd just get a kick out of it. I mean, you'd ask why I never say anything nice now, and that'd be my answer."

"Charles said that once, actually. He asked me, 'what would be the worst that could happen, Jake?' And I just said to him, 'Charles, she would hear me.' That made him laugh."

He paused, and in the dark, Amy smiled. _Typical Jake_, she thought.

"Anyway. I know you'd tell me that apologising when you're unconscious doesn't count, but you'd laugh in my face if I said any of this to you tomorrow. So I was just going to do it now, which I've done. Um," he stopped for a moment, and Amy held her breath. "Merry Christmas, I guess. I hope you're dreaming of cute dogs humping each other. Or whatever."

She waited for him to continue, but it seemed that he was done speaking, and the silence was eating her up.

"That last part kind of ruined everything," she whispered, and squeezed her eyes shut cheekily, in anticipation of his response, which she was certain would be awkward and uncomfortable. She was correct.

"Oh God, you're awake," he mumbled quickly, his words tripping over each other. "This is a nightmare. Just pretend you didn't hear anything."

"I heard everything," she said quietly, and he thought he could hear her smirk, but maybe he had dreamed that up. "But I'm going to pretend I didn't."

"Thank you. Respect." He hesitated. "Okay, bye."

"Bye."

He heard her move slightly, shifting, before everything went silent again, and he drifted off to sleep himself, feeling less embarrassed than he had thought he would be. In a way, he was glad she had heard that. It was painfully awkward, but he had to say, it was a great speech. One of the best he had ever given. Plus, this meant that he could go to sleep peacefully tonight, knowing he wouldn't need to apologise again in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: After two quick chapters, the updates are going to have to slow down again. I was just about to say that I finally had time off to write, AND THEN COLLEGE RESUMED. I had a 2 and a half hour Chemistry class today and I honestly feel like I am beginning to die on the inside. LET ME LIVE.  
><strong>

**On another note, I've finally finished editing. Aaaand it's midnight. I'm gonna put this up now, and then I'm gonna fling myself onto my bed because I can no longer deal with this day. ****I hope you enjoy this chapter! Good night.**

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><p><strong>25 December, 7:30AM<strong>

The sound of the morning alarm filled the room, and Jake opened his eyes. He felt groggy, and his neck felt weird He flipped sideways and buried his head into the pillow. It was pitch black, and silent except for the horrible beeping noise that just wouldn't stop. He stuck an arm out and it hit the frame of his bed, reminding him that he had been sleeping on the hardwood floor the night before, and all about the 'great speech' he had delivered last night. Still reeling from embarrassment, he retracted his arm and tucked himself back in. He could hear shuffling, before the sound of a hand slamming onto the snooze button. Amy's.

She cleared her throat.

"I think," she said, sliding off the bed from the other side, "it's time to get up."

"What time is it?" Jake asked, his eyes still closed, with no intention of carrying out what she had just said.

"7:31." She read from the clock, combing her hair. She put down her brush and grabbed a towel from the shelf nearby.

"AM?"

"Well."

He couldn't see her, but he knew the exact expression he was pulling. The annoyed, irritated glance she had always used with him.

"This is too early," he whined. "I have never woken up this early in my life, ever."

She looked at him, appalled.

"_Ever?_"

"Ever," he mumbled. She ignored him and opened the door to the bathroom. A bright stream of light poured into the bedroom. He shrieked like a banshee, and she nearly dropped her towel. "Close the door! Close. The. _Door_!" he said with urgency, and she rolled her eyes, letting the door stay open for just a while longer to irritate him while he sneaked under his blanket, shielding his head from the light. "I'm trying to sleep here."

"Well, tough. I'm going to shower, and I'm going to make as much noise as I possibly can," Amy said, looking at him indifferently, who was just a lump on the floor now.

"'_I'm Going To Make As Much Noise As I Possibly Can_' - name of your sex tape," Jake called out, and she took this as a cue to leave him alone. She closed the door, clicking it shut with a lock.

* * *

><p><strong>8:45AM<strong>

"Quick, do I look okay?" Amy asked Jake, this time with her sticking her head around the bathroom door. He was washing his face, and she waited for him to look up. He did, and he squinted, looking at her from the reflection in the mirror like she was a speck of dust on a lens.

"Yeah," he said without a second's hesitation, proceeding to scrub foam cleanser on his face before turning on the tap to wash it off with the warm water again.

"'_Yeah'_? That's all you're going to say? Not even... I mean, you don't think this is too much?" she asked, pointing at her dress, which was in a rich shade of wine red. "And this?" She pointed to her mascara. "None of this is too much? Be honest."

He looked up again, this time turning around to get a better view. She looked immaculate, her look all prepped and polished, as always. He frowned, and she stared at him, before he shrugged casually.

"No, it looks fine," he said, and her heels caught his eye. "Don't wear the heels though."

"But you said-"

"But you're _pregnant_," he said, "or you're supposed to be. If my mum sees you wearing them, she'd make you take them off anyway. Trust me."

She was about to argue, but she took off her heels in the end, knowing he had a point. She was supposed to be pregnant.

"So I'm supposed to walk around bare feet?" she asked, feeling weird about abandoning her heels just by kicking them off to the side of the room. She felt compelled to pick them up and repack them in the shoebox she had brought with her (she kept all her shoeboxes, because she always thought they'd come in handy someday), or at least put them aside neatly. But a thought struck her. She was in Jake's house. There weren't any rules here - she knew that because he had always emphasised on this special style of upbringing when she talked about her own disciplined childhood. She could set her heels on fire for all she cared.

Okay, she wouldn't_ really. _They cost her half a grand, and even though she had never been big on footwear, she knew she had to own this very pair of heels the second she saw it in the shop window. She had been tired, worn out from staying late at the precinct once again. She remembered feeling irritated that she had to walk home - Jake had murdered the material of her shotgun seat by dropping his infamous powdered doughnuts everywhere, and she had to send her car to a garage to get it cleaned up professionally. Her heart was swelled up three times its usual size that night, with all the annoyance and disdain she harboured for him, when she saw the pair of heels sitting nicely inside a vintage shop window. They had caught her attention, and suddenly, her bitter anger had somehow managed to fade away almost entirely. She knew they wouldn't be cheap, but she was determined to come back the next day to get them anyway. And she did.

Though she would never tell Jake this story, because he would just brag about how in a way, she owed it all to him. That he was the cause of this whole string of events, and instead of thanking her lucky stars, she should have thanked him instead.

Amy smiled at her heels, zoned out, and she didn't snap out of her mind until he placed a palm directly in front of her face.

"As I was saying, you can wear the pair of slippers over there," he said, gesturing to a pair of brown slippers at the back of the room, something she hadn't noticed the night before. She walked over and slipped them on, staring at him as he hung his towel on the rack and stepped out. "_And_... we'd better head down for breakfast."

"Wh- what are you going to wear?" she asked as she eyed him suspiciously. He was in a T-shirt and sweats, and he shrugged. "_This?_ You're going to wear this?" she asked, feeling faint. "While I wear a dress and put on eyeliner and mascara and try so hard and-"

"Relax! It's okay. My sister will be doing what you're doing," he said, and then paused. "I think." She nodded, though not entirely trusting him. It had only been a day but things had been wholly unpredictable so far. They unlocked the door to go downstairs, but she stopped in her tracks.

"Wait - your mum's peppermint tea," she recalled, her eyes widening, before hurrying to her bag and taking out a brightly wrapped package, tied together immaculately with a golden ribbon.

"You didn't have to-" he started, but she cut him off.

"But I did anyway, because Santiagos are polite and good at picking gifts," she said, giving him a confident smile. "There. Finished your sentence for you."

"Hey, not cool! That's my signature move!" he complained, feigning annoyance, and they went downstairs, both of them in high spirits over the fact that it's Christmas Day.

* * *

><p><strong>11:00AM<strong>

After a hearty, homey breakfast and some gift-exchanging, Josh had suggested they went outside for a snowball fight, to which Jake responded positively and enthusiastically, running upstairs to put on a thick coat and some proper trousers. He dragged Julie along, telling her that it was 'going to be awesome' and cooing her to join the family fun until she eventually gave in and agreed to go outside. While everyone was busy wrapping up, Allie had been the only one to notice the look of dread on Amy's face as she looked at the snow, and then at her crisply ironed dress, and Allie laughed it off as she told the boys to have fun while she was to stay inside to have some 'girl time' with Amy.

Moments later, the two of them were perched on the edge of the couch with a hot mug of peppermint tea - Amy's gift - while they looked out the window to see a yelling Josh chasing a screeching Jake, with Julie laughing at the sight, holding out a camera to capture the moment. Amy smiled at their heartwarming immaturity, and Allie looked at her with a prompting curiosity.

"So are you really pregnant?" Allie asked, genuinely eager. "I mean, this is just what I heard, and I knew at once that I needed to ask you firsthand, because mum can be so dramatic sometimes-"

"No!" Amy said quickly. "No. I am... completely _un-pregnant_. Jake just blurted it out because 'his brain was confused' - those were his exact words, and now I don't even know how we're going to pull this one off."

Allie nodded, a strand of her brown hair falling in her face. She tucked it behind her ear.

"You and Jake, huh."

She had a look on her face that Amy didn't know how to interpret, so she just mumbled a 'yeah' in response, hoping Allie'd move on to another topic. But she didn't.

"You know, I was surprised when you told me you guys were only pretending," Allie continued. "Not to make you uncomfortable-"

"-no, don't worry-"

"-but I just thought you guys look... pretty good together. You are so natural and at ease with each other. And that's actually something that I really struggled with when I first met Josh," she said seriously. "We just... we were so completely out of sync with each other, even though we were so smitten. We were crazily chaotic, but also madly in love." She shrugged, sipping a mouthful of tea. "Just, you know, your average twenty-somethings." She loosened up and laughed.

"I think a lot of that co-ordination comes with working with each other," Amy replied before she could even think it through properly, and Allie nodded, nudging her to go on. Amy could see a look of sincerity on her face, so she decided to keep talking. "I think I've known Jake for a few years now, and just seeing each other day in, day out kind of gives you that ease that it may be hard to find with someone you, say, meet at a later time and go on a date."

"Yeah, I get where you're coming from. Josh was this guy working in the building across me, and the streets... the streets were so narrow. And I could see his cubicle from where I was sitting, behind these giant, glass windows, and he could see me from where he was sitting behind his own set of giant, glass windows, and... it's a bit like a modern love story, because one day we just looked at each other - we somehow managed to make eye contact - and it felt right. And we just knew. And we just wanted to know each other better."

"Wow," Amy said. "That's... I wish I had that meet-cute story to tell people. It's sweet."

"It is, but then it took ages for us to finally meet, still. And when we did, we didn't know what to say or how to act. We just felt weird and, like, we wanted the other person to feel the same way, but we were too awkward to actually put it to action."

"I can't imagine that. I mean, you're both so friendly." Amy said. "Unlike me, who is... kind of awkward all the time. To the point where I'm pretty sure I'll never find love because I'd just scare everyone away when they discover who I really am," she drifted off, but managed to catch herself. "So what happened?"

"No, you aren't. It's just the jitters," Allie reassured her. "And - yeah, me and Josh - with each other for the first few times, we just shut down. He had that effect on me. He still does," she said, eyeing Josh from the window for a few moments before turning back to Amy. "So, enough about my boring story. You seeing anyone? Or you have anyone in mind?"

"No, don't say that," Amy said, and pondered. "No. I don't think so, no."

"That's a shame."

"It's not. Not really. Love's not really my priority right now," Amy paused. "And I don't think it's ever been, to be honest."

"What's been your priority all this while?" Allie asked.

"My job, I guess."

"Makes sense. Jake says the same thing. I know he fools around a lot, but I can tell he loves his job a lot, too. I feel like you guys should just make a pact or something, so neither of you will end up alone."

It was a joke, dished out in a lighthearted manner, but it caused Amy to pause. She then gave a small, hollow laugh. "Me and Jake? No. We'd never-"

"No, you should never settle with him," Allie interrupted, worried she had given off the wrong vibe when she saw the look of confusion mixed with horror on Amy's face, "because he's such an immature man-child that he'd have you screaming at him to pick up his clothes off the floor. I know that, because as his big sister, I've lived through it all my life."

Amy chuckled, staring at her fingertips as they soaked in the heat from the ceramic mug, still not sure what to say, though not quite wanting their discussion to end just yet.

"How is he at work, though? I always try to be a caring sibling and ask about stuff like that, but he never tells me. He just makes up all these names for his co-workers and talk about them, but never about himself."

"He makes up names for his coworkers?" Amy asked, her eyes lighting up. She was interested in what Allie had to say about this topic, and interested to know what her nickname was in the Peralta family. What she was known for, and whether he spoke of her positively.

"Yeah. But I never know who is who, because he never gives me any real names."

"Hey," Amy said. "Fire away. I can piece them together for you."

Allie looked at her for a moment, and then grinned.

"Oh yeah. You're a detective. You're good at this. Well, Jake talks about his coworkers a lot, and I can tell he loves them like family... I try to put in effort to get to know everyone, but it's so difficult sometimes. I know Gina - we grew up together, so that even though he calls her all sorts of weird names, I'm able to link it back to her. And I know he calls the captain, well, The Captain, so that isn't a problem either. He calls someone 'Yoghurt'-"

"That's definitely Terry Jeffords. Sergeant." Amy pointed out, then smiled. "This is fun."

Allie nodded, and carried on.

"I do recall someone being called 'Leftover Chinese Food' and-"

"Scully. Or Hitchcock. Or maybe he's referring to the both of them - I don't know."

"The both of them, I think. He uses it as a term for two people," Allie said. "And I know there are three ladies at the precinct, one of them being Gina... and now, one of them being you. And one more dude. Now if I'd just figure out who's who..."

"Does he call anyone something like... The AK-47? The... raven? Falcon? Something dark and twisty, but also somewhat heroic and dominating?" Amy asked, but Allie shook her head. She thought harder. "What about something about fire? Or anger? Needing anger-management? Or... anything edgy - sharp? Weapon-related?"

"Oh yeah. There's one," Allie said, her eyes lighting up, too. "I think there's one called the... shotgun. Knife? The Dagger - that's it. The Dagger."

"That's Rosa! She's one of the detectives. She's awesome."

"Rosa," Allie echoed. "You're good at this. And, well - there's you. You are Detective..."

"Santiago," Amy filled in, and Allie looked at her in surprise.

"_You're _Santiago?"

Amy blinked.

"Well, yeah. Is there... something wrong?"

"Oh, no. Nothing's wrong. I'm just surprised. It's... well, I've always thought Detective Santiago was a man, from everything that Jake has said about him," Allie said, and then corrected herself. "Her. _You._"

"That's, um, that's Charles. Charles Boyle. The man you thought - yeah. I'm Santiago," Amy said, confused, her brow furrowing, wondering why he had not given her a nickname like he had done for everyone else. "What does Jake say about me?" She hoped she didn't sound too eager, and she hoped it wasn't anything bad.

"He just always complains about Santiago getting his paperwork done before him and being really good at arresting bad guys. He always said, _'Santiago did it again, out-Jaked me.'_" Allie said. "So naturally I assumed he was this alpha, extremely handsome and tall, capable man who was really good at getting his shit done and making him feel inferior... but now I know that I've been completely wrong. _This _is why I'm not a detective."

"Making him feel _inferior_?"

"Incompetent," Allie said, and when she saw Amy's worried expression, she smiled. "But don't fret. I've always secretly rooted for Santiago for making Jake work harder. He is clever, but he's so_ lazy_. He needed a good push once in a while, and Santiago always delivered. Plus now that I found out 'Santiago' is, in fact, a girl, I'm even happier. It makes everything _way _more awesome knowing my brother has been getting his ass kicked by a girl." She laughed, and Amy did, too.

"Girl power."

"Totally."

* * *

><p><strong>5:00PM<strong>

The rest of the day had been filled with a feast of a lunch, egg nog, pudding, and board games. Amy was still a little bit annoyed about not being able to drink, but managed to sneak in a couple of sips from Jake's glass whenever Julie turned around to busy herself with the festivities. He always protested - "Your saliva is disgusting!" - and he reasoned - "Watch it, Amy. You can get a little spacey... or loud. Or pervy. Any way, it's not a good look." But she gave him a death stare every time to remind him that it was his fault she couldn't have her own glass, and that silenced him. Allie and Josh were cosy, sitting on the carpet and sharing each end of a wool blanket as the four of them sat around the coffee table playing Scrabble - one of Amy's all-time favourites.

So far, Josh had won five games, Amy four, Allie two, and Jake, to nobody's surprise, none. He was appalled when he learned that Amy and his sister had bonded and become good friends, pretending to concentrate on aligning his tiles along the plastic holder while he eavesdropped on their girl-talk.

"Jake, it's your turn," Josh said, giving him a nudge on the arm. He looked up, and was met with three expectant faces, one of which was smirking - Amy.

"Uh, sure," Jake said, surveying the board, and then glancing at his tiles. They were at the part of the game when most spaces were filled, and you really had to think hard and long only to be able to form short, three, four lettered words. "Got it." He announced proudly as he picked up two tiles and placed them neatly.

"_CAT_," Allie read upside down, and shrugged. "Fair enough. Josh?"

It was finally his turn, and Josh grinned childishly. "Okay - get this." He picked up his tiles in a hurry and placed them on the board hurriedly, prodding them slightly to straighten it up afterwards. When he was done, he looked victorious. "Allie, your turn."

Jake looked at the board, and then at his brother-in-law. "What kind of a word is _tetrastyle_? How do you even know this? How does _anyone_ even know this?" he whined, eyeing each of them, feeling defeated as he felt a sense of defeat kick in again. He took two huge sips of his sherry, ignoring Amy's silent protests as she stared daggers at him by avoiding eye contact.

"You're having my part of the sherry," Amy whispered when he wouldn't look at her, hyper aware that Julie was sat on the couch, just a couple of feet away from them. She was chatting with a distant relative on the phone and she seemed to be in the zone, but she snapped out of it every so often, and glanced over at the group from time to time. Amy didn't want to risk letting her hear what she had just said. She had let her guard down a bit more now, but she still needed to put on a good show.

"Honey, you can't drink. You are pregnant, remember?" Jake said loudly as Julie looked over, and he smiled at his mother, pulling the glass of wine away from Amy in an exaggerated manner. Amy pinched him under the table discreetly, twisting his forearm, and a red mark appeared upon her letting go. He tried to keep his face neutral, but the second Julie looked away, he pulled a face. "_Ow. _You need to stop physically abusing me for helping you make the right decisions to a healthy embryo."

"I'm not even pregnant!" Amy hissed, annoyed with his childish behaviour. "I just want a drink."

"Hold it - you're not pregnant-" Jake said, and she cut him off.

"_Thank you._"

"-with _my _child," he finished his sentence, and her eyes boggled. "Darling, we haven't been physical for _months_!" he harped, clearly enjoying himself as he indulged in his Nicolas Cage voice. "Who is the _real_ father of your child? Pray tell. I need to head over to burn his house down, then beat the crap out of him."

Amy rolled her eyes. "_Nobody_. Nobody impregnated me."

"Aha!" Jake raised his voice, causing Allie to jump. She had been trying to focus on the game, but all she could hear was Jake and Amy squabbling, their wordplay bouncing off each other back and forth. It was like trying to keep an eye on the ball during a heated tennis match. "'_Nobody Impregnated Me'_ - name of your sex tape, with guest star _Nobody_, who, for the record, impregnated you, because you forgot your birth control," he dished out smoothly, pleased with himself. She sighed, and he carried on. "And now the world knows, Ames. But that's okay. There's no shame, because I'm going to-"

"Jake, shut your gob! I'm trying to think," Allie interrupted him, giving him a pained look as she played with her tiles on one hand, her head propped up by her right arm. Amy couldn't help but notice that Allie, too, like her, was left-handed. She smiled to herself at the uncommon trait they shared. Allie carried on, her head still down as she tried to figure out what words she could make with the two _F_s on her hand. "You're so annoying sometimes. This is why you're single."

This remark was unflatteringly honest, and it left both Josh and Amy smirking on the opposite ends of the table.

"That hurt, but I'm going to pretend it didn't and just keep smiling," Jake said. He was no newbie to his sister's offhand comments. Most of the time, they were uncalled for, but in all honesty, he knew that however negative she portrayed him to be, she would always be the first to defend him should the same words come from someone else's mouth. _Sibling rivalry_, he guessed. _Or whatever._

"'_That Hurt, But I'm Going To Pretend It Didn't And Just Keep Smiling'_ - name of your sex tape?" Josh wondered out loud and raised an eyebrow. He was quickly catching onto the bandwagon of inappropriate jokes.

"It _would_ be, if he had someone to make a sex tape with in the first place," Amy added, and they high-fived.

Jake rolled his eyes. "You guys are so immature."

"Coming from _you_," Allie mumbled, placing her tiles to form the word _TRAFFIC._

"Nice one," Josh said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. He turned to Amy.

"Oh, I've got this figured out," Amy grinned, putting her tiles down neatly and slowly, showcasing her word at the end. _RECOVERY._

"Impressive," Allie commented, and then looked at her brother. "Jake."

Jake looked at the board, and then at his tiles. He pondered for fifteen seconds and threw his hands up in the air. "I can't do this anymore. I quit. I eject myself from this game."

Josh scowled. "You can't do that."

"Yeah, I can. And I'm doing it right now," Jake said. "I'm the youngest here, so naturally, I have the smallest brain capacity because I haven't finished developing-"

"Hey," Amy looked at him. "I'm _four years_ younger than you."

"But you're mentally eighty-six, so you don't count," he brushed off, and instead of arguing, she let his comment slide.

"Fine," Allie said, picking up the wool blanket as she got up from the carpet. "But you're clearing up because you've lost nearly all the rounds."

"_Why? _Shouldn't _Amy_ clear up instead, because she's the oldest and wisest amongst us? Emphasis on _oldest_."

"No, Amy's going to hang out with me, because we haven't discussed Taylor Swift's new hairstyle and that conversation needs to happen right away." Allie said, reinforcing her authority as the elder sister. Jake obliged as he tried to pour the little tiles from the board into the bag. In doing so carelessly, he spilled everything onto the carpet, and the three of them stepped over the mess he made; Josh going upstairs, and the girls slinking into the study, chatting and whispering like teenagers.

Jake stared at the sliding doors that separated the living room and the study, wondering what the hell had happened in the afternoon that had caused the two of them to bond so quickly. He was good at solving cases, but he just couldn't figure this one out. He decided that he would never be able to comprehend the female brain, and then he decided that it didn't matter to him anyway. He was just glad that Amy was having a good time.


End file.
